I Am Insecure

Dear World Changer,

“I AM INSECURE!” She shouted from the mountain top. She had enough. She finally broke. Her journey up the mountain brought so much to light. She had so much time to herself to think, and boy did she think lots. It all started when she moved for the fifth time in her life. She was so ready to take on the world back then, just as she was when she was young. Nothing scared her; she had no fear. She didn’t care what others thought and she was always her own person. She figured that’s probably why people liked her so much: she was confident and spunky. But when she moved this time, things slowly changed. People still liked her, but there seemed to be more and more that didn’t, or just didn’t care to get to know her. And somehow she let that get to her. Of all the years prior, moving from city to city, country to country, being bullied in elementary school and having but 4 good friends and considered unpopular, you’d think she’d be able to take this on, just like she did then. Ignore the hurt feelings and continue being confident. After all, that is why she did so well in life. She was content, joyful, and successful. She was good at making very good friends, good at getting good grades, good at just about anything she put her mind to. So what changed?

Perhaps it was because she was living away from home for the first time. Her family was a huge support and a huge confidence builder for her. Without them she didn’t have the same encouragement.

Or perhaps it was because she didn’t have someone that she really connected with. Her best friend was miles away, and a phone call once a month just wasn’t enough.

Or perhaps it was because of the way others treated her over and over that just finally got to her.

Whatever the reason, it shouldn’t have mattered anyways. She should have just stayed strong.

She remembered how close she grew to God over the next few years through her insecurities. Perhaps even because of her insecurities. But the insecurities did not go away. She felt scared all too often; afraid to share her feelings, afraid to grow relationships. Every friend she seemed to get closer with, she would begin to doubt their motives. “What if they’re only my friend because…” And the reasons would be stupid, but she would believe them anyway. She started to believe that everyone already had friends and wouldn’t want another. She started to believe she talked too much or wasn’t cool enough or was too awkward in some situations, or just wasn’t funny enough. And the more she believed it, the truer it became. She became less funny, more awkward, less talkative, and less herself. She cried out to God in times of sadness and frustration, but she didn’t even realize it was her own insecurities causing it. She blamed it on others and the circumstances.

Stresses of life built on top of her insecurities and she continued to blame the circumstances. She pretended that she was still herself; pretended she was confident. “People like me when I’m confident” she would remember and smile. “Look confident.” On the outside, she still looked and seemed the same. She pretended she was still her own person, but on the inside her negative thoughts continued to swirl in her mind. She cared too much about what others thought and sought out their approval. It took over her own free-spirited nature and sooner than she knew, she was completely trapped in her own insecurities. She had built up a wall around herself and closed herself into a box.

Finally, she had enough. She realized she had walls around and she realized it was her own thoughts and insecurities. They had beaten her down for too long and finally she knew she had to take responsibility for it. But how to get out? There were no doors or windows. She cried out to God.

She thought back to when she would pray alone in her room for God to send a friend. And He did -a friend that prayed with her and built her up. And before long, He sent another friend –a friend that became a life-long friend. And that friend built her up too. God was there. He was giving her a way out. He had been there the whole time. It took a while for her to see, but God had answered her prayers every time.

And finally when she realized she could do it on her own no longer, she cried out to God from the stuffy cell she had built up around herself and said “I see it’s me! It’s my own insecurities! Lead me to freedom!”

That day she started on her journey up the mountain. Each step was more difficult but she got higher with each one. Never did she take a step down. Never did she take a step at the same height as her other foot. It was always the higher footing that she chose. It was hard and treacherous, but she was closer to the top because of it. With each step she admitted a fault. With each step she admitted insecurity. With each step she relied on God. She talked with Him along the way and He told her things she never heard before and showed her things she never saw before. She climbed above her circumstances, above her insecurities, and most importantly, above her own wants and desires. By the time she got to the top, she could see that nothing was about her, anyways. She looked out at the breathtaking view. The trees were like toothpicks, the ocean was but a pond, and the cityscape across the way was like little toy blocks. Everything was so miniscule and seemingly unimportant. What was important was the bigger picture! The way all the smaller parts came together made the view so much more beautiful than each smaller part on their own.

She cried out “I AM INSECURE!!” at the top of her lungs, and it felt good to let it go. She refused to hide her baggage anymore. And once the words left her mouth, she felt an indescribable peace. No longer could anything hold her down, because God had freed her and redefined her.

And so, before heading back down the mountain, she took one more deep breath of the freshest air she’d ever breathed, and, staring out over the most beautiful scene she had ever witnessed, she shouted with joy, “I AM FREEEEEE!!!””

-Miriam

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